“Dear ‘LIFE’, From Shanelle”

Dear “LIFE”,

You’ll tend to find that as people, we speak less about the things we think about the most, so I thought I’d write to you today. So tell me, when you end, would it have all been worth it? Tell me, does the pain last forever? You keep trying to fight me and I’ve fought back for so long now, I’m starting to lose grip. You see after the tears, the migraines and the sleepless nights, the pain doesn’t go away, the unanswered questions still remain, so I’m beginning to lose faith.

Failing has always been my biggest fear & you knew that. So you led me to believe, that eventually I’ll end up where I needed to be, with the people I’m meant to be with, doing what’s meant for me. So I told myself patience is key. I tried to trust the process, but because of you I’ve got trust issues. Tomorrow’s not promised, so I lack patience and it’s never worked out in the past, so waiting for everything to just, “fall into place” would be my biggest mistake & you knew that, because years have gone by and I’m still here, stuck!

You taught me “Do good and it will come back to you unexpectedly”, now I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but for every step I take forward, you make sure to take me back 5. You’ve thrown barriers, you knew were way too high for me to see past. You’ve neatly placed obstacles, here and there, that sometimes didn’t meet the eye in time and you stayed placing and then replacing the ones I’ve needed the most, now you’ve left me to figure you out all alone.

Do you know how tired I am of hearing  “You’re young…you’ve got your whole life ahead of you…you’ll figure it out one day”? Tell me, when will that “one day” be? And what if just living to survive is something I don’t want to do anymore? I’ve been so busy trying to make a living, trying to get by, that I forgot to make a life. I’ve fallen out of love with the journey. I hold my hands up I lost commitment half way through, but I’m still in love with the destination. I guess deep down I still want to make it.

They told me “sometimes you have to lose who you were to find out who you are”, but you introduced me to people who constantly labelled me, judged me and did everything they could to change how others would view me. Little did they know, I was just trying to be the love I never received. So because of those people I never got the chance to live through my own identity. Now “LIFE” tell me, how do you lose someone you were never able or even portrayed to be?

I’ve always wondered why you allowed them to drag my name through the dirt and paint me out to be the person that I’m not. But later down the line, you made me realise that what I’ve survived would have killed them. So by bringing me down and vandalising my name/image, was their way of trying to piece together my story. Well ‘LIFE’, I’m waiting for you to show them, that only I can be the author of “Shanelle Simpson”. I’ll never understand, why you allowed them to publicise the altered version, when the only role they ever played, were replaced characters in my book.

You taught me when you love someone, they become your reason, well my brother became my purpose. He’d be the reason I’d get up out of bed and you knew that. So you allowed me to believe that I could start over, that each and every morning would be another chance. When really what may have happened yesterday will remain unresolved and the pain from years ago is still on hold. You said “some walks you have to take alone” and I appreciate that, I guess that’s the beauty of you, but it’s been 19 years now & I’m still trying to find purpose in my pain.

So “LIFE” tell me, will I make it? Tell me, how long have I got left? Because I’m at a point, where I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be lonely. I still fear failure, but being productive is something I can no longer be. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep at night. I’m so lost, but I don’t know if I want to be found. You led them to believe I was strong, they failed to realise I had to be. Strength is my biggest weakness because being strong was my only option.

What you couldn’t do then and what you can’t do now, is teach them how to recognise my courage, because they never wanted to understand my story. ‘LIFE’, you taught me to let go of any and everything that doesn’t want to stay, so why can’t you do the same? They say “damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive”, but to survive is something you must want and you know deep down I don’t really want this. So ‘life’ let me know if it’s worth it, because when you showed me that nothing lasts forever, I didn’t know then what it is I know now and I guess they say you attract what you’re ready for.

…God knows I’ve BEEN ready, so show me what this life is really worth.

Shanelle Simpson

“He Became A Father Figure To Me”

I think the hardest part of growing up without parents, is learning to live without them regardless. I tend to find myself always trying to fill some type of emptiness within my heart. Quincy Ford, you made it a little bit more manageable, you stepped forward and played the role of a parent…So when I say thank you will never be enough, I don’t think you’ll ever understand.

If there’s one thing I promise to do in this life, it’s to make it, because there’s been too many times where I’ve said “Yh, I’m done now” or “This life isn’t for me anymore” but Quincy you showed me better days are yet to come. Listen, I know sometimes you feel like you’re wasting your breath and at times I feel like I don’t even deserve you, so every now and then I speak to God and I ask him “why did I receive this blessing? Out of everyone in this world, you made him my cousin! Why?” And he’s showed me over the past few years just how much I’ve needed you. Because through you I found my purpose in life.

You see the day I got my flat I was so scared, you were the first person I called. You took me to view it and right by my side, there you were as I signed those dotted lines. That same day you dropped everything and took me furniture shopping. You gave me my first paid job. Quincy, you was on the other end of the line as those tears rolled down my face, as I was ready to give up on life. And I know it’s starting to annoy you when I constantly ask to follow you to work, but that feeling is priceless! As I sit in that passenger seat, I remember every single time I had to stay at home, when my class mates went off to work with their parents.

With that being said, the impact that you’ve made mentally, is something I don’t think anyone will understand. So believe me when I say, I couldn’t have got through this stage of transitioning from a teen to a young adult without you. You made a path in my life and I promise I’m following each and every foot print.

Listen, I’d be lying if I said this has been a smooth road, I mean we’ve had our ups and downs and you’ve told me some things I’ve not agreed with or may not have liked. You’ve told me a couple home truths out of the goodness of your heart and I respect you for that, because unlike everyone else; NEVER did you lose faith in me, NEVER did you doubt me, NEVER did you stop believing. Quincy, NEVER did you give up on me!

Throughout the hardest of times in my life, you’ve always been just a phone call away, pushing me along and encouraging me to be and do the best I possibly can. When I was sent away to live in Kings Bromley (West Midlands) you were the only cousin who I regularly heard from and you were the only one who ever planned to come and visit me, that says a lot about you.

Honestly, sometimes you have to go through certain things in life to realise who’s really about seeing you grow, who really wants the best for you. Mr Ford, for all that you have done, thank you will never be enough! I just pray that one day I’ll be able to show you that all the time you spent on showing me the value of life, the meaning of love and family, and all the words of wisdom that you’ve shared wasn’t a waste of your time.

You once told me “It’s not about the cards you’ve been dealt, it’s how you play your hand. Shanelle, go and be that ace because that’s the winning card!” And may God bless you for that, because that’s what pulled me through.

Quincy, you’ve got a heart that’s so pure, a mind that’s so wise and a soul that’s beyond describable. You’re the most genuine and selfless person I’ve ever met.
I wish you nothing but the best with all that you’ve got planned in life, you’ve been winning! So, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got planned next. I pray that God continues to guide and protect you along your journey and thank you so much for making such an impact on mine. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today if it wasn’t for you & your support.

So YES! I WORSHIP the ground this man walks because he’s got a mind of his own and he sees more than what meets the eye. So once again thank you Quincy.

P.s I’ll love you forever Young King, Don’t you ever give up on me!

“She’s Pretty For A Dark-Skinned Girl…” 

“She’s Pretty For A Dark-Skinned Girl…”

What does that even mean? So, because my skin tone is of a darker shade, that makes me less of a person? It’s crazy because nowadays they’ll judge you based on the colour of your skin rather than the content of your character. Why is that? Why does my skin tone have to define me?

As I look back, I notice a pattern or some sort of similarity in terms of the discrimination I’ve faced, due to me being of a darker shade. It was always a black person who’d belittle me or make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, whether it’d be by the names they’d use to address me or even by just the judgement they’d carry; It was always one of my kind who’d make me feel like I was too black to be beautiful, who’d make me feel worthless. I think that’s what hurt the most, the fact of who it was coming from, rather than what was actually said.

You see, I have this (BLACK) auntie, caramel skin, brown eyes and coolie hair. If you knew her, you’d know it’s very much her way or no way at all and in her eyes she’s always right even when proven wrong. The irony. She’d always address me as “blacky” knowing it made me feel some type of way. I must admit at first, I’d just laugh it off with a very uncomfortable awkward laugh because I assumed my actions were loud enough, but I know for sure the fake smile was more than visible. She was more than aware in my eyes. So, at this point I was convinced that it was either ignorance that was stopping her from seeing the bigger picture or maybe just simple lack of communication. I had to tell myself I was probably reading too deep into it.

Confronting a situation you’re uncomfortable with isn’t easy, so I’ve never really stood up to anyone when it comes to defending being of a darker shade, I didn’t know I had to. It started to hit home when it was coming from someone so close. I remember one day I finally spoke up and the response I got was “I can call you that, but if anyone else does of course I’d say something” and that was pretty much more than what I needed to hear, it gave me some sort of insight to the ignorant people I’m due to meet later on in life.

I remember when I was younger, I’d do every and anything to avoid being in an environment or even a situation, where my skin complexion could draw any type of attention or would be made a mockery of. They say prevention is better than cure, it got to a point where I’d only take certain roots to and from my destination; I’d avoid certain seats on the bus, because 9 times out of 10 I’d see the same bunch of rowdy school kids, who’d go to the back of the bus without forgetting to shout “blicky” as they’d walk pass. I’d even put head phones in with or without music being played and lower my head.

I used to live with this light skinned girl, she’d always joke about “hooking me up” with this special bleaching cream, little did she know the impact of her words and how that affected me in the long run. It doesn’t even stop there, it got so bad I used to tell myself; if I ever had kids, it would be with a Caucasian man and that’s only because I didn’t want my child to go through what I did. It wasn’t until then I realised I was the problem. I didn’t know how strong one’s mind is, with all those thoughts, I didn’t need anyone to tell me I wasn’t good enough, I was doing it for them. So, I went on a journey of finding myself and loving me first.

I hold my hands up, I was so ashamed, not of my colour but of the shade. I let a lot of things and people get to me, which made me feel like being dark skinned meant I wasn’t beautiful. I let social media get the better of me and I don’t think the young black music artist who always put us black women into different categories realise the message that sends. Black men fail to realise how much of an impact they make in our community as a whole and in my opinion, colourism is very much alive and is still a problem today.  Believe it or not dark-skinned women are the biggest victims of it.

They say “THE BLACKER THE BERRY, THE SWEETER THE JUICE “.

So, this is to every young black female reading this today; Don’t let the same society that put us through hell, stripped us of our goods be the reason your made to feel some type of way. You’re beautiful no matter what shade you are. And you see that rich, dark, chocolate skin that you cover up daily with a foundation three shades lighter, that’s the same complexion that gave us our freedom today. You don’t need that NARS highlighter baby girl because your melanin’s popping. Understand that you’re a QUEEN! I can sit here and tell you this all day, but now it’s down to you to believe it. You’ve got to understand your worth.

Shanelle Simpson

 

 

ThisIsNelly’sWorld – “BeAPartOfMyJourney, HearMyTruth”

“If Only I Could Go Back” I’d tell myself; “Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes”, it starts from within. “Right Person, Wrong Time?”…“What’s Love?” listen, you have to “Find Yourself And Love You first”. “We Use To Talk For hours…But Look At Us Now” i guess “Nothing Lasts Forever”. Dwelling on “The One Friendship You Thought You’d Never Drift From” is time-consuming, there’s 24 hours in a day, but who knows how many days they have left, here on earth. Tomorrow’s not promised, so “If Not Now, When?”
I’m not saying you can’t cry, scream or even shout if you have to, “It’s Ok Not To Be Ok”. You’ve just got to “Grow Through What You Go Through” and remind yourself daily, that you’re “Stronger Than The Struggle”.  Trust me, I know “It’s A Long Road But It’s Worth It”, “Giving Up Isn’t An Option” because “There’s More To Life”. 
“Growing Up In The Care System” taught me that; your past doesn’t determine who you are but it does mold you, break down that mold and build yourself back up to be the BEST version of you! You fall? pick yourself back up, dust your knees and go again. “Celebrate Failure; It Means You Took A Risk Others Aren’t Willing To Take”. “Don’t Trust Everything You See…”, be mindful of those around you. “If They Do It Often, It Isn’t A Mistake; It’s Just Their Behaviour” with that being said “DANIEL” i remember everything you did.
So, now i’m here to tell you that; “You Can’t Judge My Story By The Chapter You Walked In On” saying that, “I Wish I could Relate To The People I’m Related To”. And girl, when they say “She’s Pretty For A Dark-Skinned Girl…”, tell them your beautiful regardless. You’re “God’s Child…”, you’re an art piece that he created, who are they to judge?

This blog isn’t a way for me to discredit anyones performance or role in my life, through blogging i aim to find peace and the ability to “Let Go” of my past. “He Became A Father Figure To Me” and he taught me “Gratitude Changes Everything”. So, when i say “Thank You Will Never Be Enough”, i don’t think he’ll ever understand. And let this be a final thank you to those who came and left, you guys taught me the most.

Welcome to Nelly’s world –
    “BeAPartOfMyJourney, HearMyTruth”
Shanelle Simpson